Questions in Red
written by Brandon Cochran
edited by Savasia Thompson, Stuart Walker, Val Thompson, and
Terry Wilkerson Jr.
Content Warning: Self-harm
“If it were a knife, you would have died.”
That’s what they told you,
fourteen, standing in the psych ward
for the second time.
They nearly sent you back home.
After all, you had made it through most of a day,
as a former outpatient
before you showed back up covered in cuts;
wrote your arms and legs red for the first time,
breaking three pencils on your paper thin skin.
You were asking for help
but they were asking questions,
unconvinced that you were dangerous enough
to others or yourself, when you had just watched
in horror as you couldn’t stop
laughing and crying; couldn’t stop
that “self” from tearing into your body; couldn’t stop
screaming when your Mom found you,
not doing your homework like you meant to,
after the umpteenth time you’d yelled at each other
because you thought she didn’t believe in you anymore,
when she just wanted you to step up
like you said you would, or step down
before school ran you into the ground.
You kept screaming, face blood red
as your Mom held you like she always had,
asking questions on the basement couch,
but you didn’t have an answer
for the person you thought was the problem,
even though you both were looking for solutions.
And so, she drove you back when you asked.
You looked for space in the margins,
for answers in white walls and inpatient halls,
answers in psychiatrists who barely asked questions,
answers in medication that made you feel nothing
but heavy as you slogged through, everything
blank as the winter snow outside.
You should’ve known from the first time
that you wouldn’t find answers
in a place that only gave space,
but you might’ve learned to step back
because you can’t solve problems
you’re not looking at, and
you should know that
it’s okay to not have everything figured out.
Brandon Cochran is a graduating senior in Spalding University’s Creative Writing BFA. His preferred genres are fiction and, primarily, poetry. He is a mental health advocate and has been featured on the Two Nuts in a Pod mental health podcast on Forward radio. He likes to play games and practice photography when he’s not stressing over school work.
